To
round out what seems to have become a three-part wisdom-themed February post
series, I’m going to touch on a subject I generally don’t feel equipped to address:
gender.
Often, in the evenings, I unwind with a classic sitcom episode or two. It brings me joy, calms me down, allows me to laugh and smile even on hard days, and comforts me in something familiar and warm. Usually, I watch The Golden Girls, but I’ll sometimes switch off to The Golden Palace or Designing Women. In the former, in particular, I’m reminded of my grandmothers—in Blanche’s southern accent, style, and wit and in Rose’s Nordic charm, innocence, and references—and I love them for it. I find great comfort in the humor and power of women ensemble casts from the 1980s and early 1990s, the topics they tackle—some quite ahead of their time—and the impact they had in pushing our societies forward and opening so many eyes to important issues. What I love most is when Dorothy or Julia go off on one of their monologues putting creepy men in their place. I just watched the Designing Women pilot again and the bit where Julia rips into Ray Don is just magical. I clapped. I always clap when Julie slays…just like I always clap when Dorothy goes off on the sexist plumber, Lou, in the best bit of toilet humor I’ve ever seen.
In
my last post, “Proverbial
Wisdom,” and one a week or two ago, “Sparrows,” as
well as my January post, “Good
Neighborliness,” I’ve done some thinking about ancient writings and how
valuable they can be in modern society, but also about the all-important grains
of salt one must sprinkle in considering the context of the wisdom of the
ancients, especially when it comes to the patriarchy that was so pervasive and,
I’m afraid, still persists with fervor in many realms today. As much as I want
to believe we live in a gender-neutral and gender-inclusive 21st century American society, the reality is that we still—after so much work has
been done by real-life Dorothies and Julias—have a whole lot more work to do.
I’ve
always tried to change pronouns when quoting ancient writings, when appropriate.
In old quotes that say something like “A man’s blah blah blah is measured by
his blah blah blah,” I’ll change it to “A person’s blah blah blah is measured
by their blah blah blah.” At least, I try to do this, both in writing and in
speaking. Why? Because those quotes most of the time are speaking generally
and, while the masculine pronoun was used because that’s how most writing was done
back then, it’s likely not specifically meant to refer just to men. And when we
train our brains to do that inclusive pronoun switch when we read ancient
writings, it really can do wonders to help our little pea brains understand that this world was not
intended to be men-centric. It’s just that the ancients wrote that way, because
that was their context and almost always the examples shown to them, so that’s
the example they in turn show in using men in stories, in scenarios, and in defaulting
to the masculine pronoun in allegory. I do this pronoun-shifting and gender-wokeness
stuff all the time, refusing to say things like “mankind” and instead saying “humanity”
and shying away from things like “brethren” and “brotherhood” in favor of more
appropriate terms like “group” or “community.” It’s important to me.
I
am so grateful to have come from a long line of incredibly strong, wise, formidable,
stubborn women—feminists in their own rights, even if some didn’t use the term.
And I’m so grateful that I also come from a long line of incredible strong,
wise, formidable, stubborn men who have supported, empowered, and trusted the
women in their lives to lead, guide, and inspire them—also feminists, among
which I count myself included.
One of my great-grandmothers immigrated from
Norway and homesteaded over the harsh North Dakota winters alone, building her
own house and staking out her land, to create a farm enterprise that has been
passed down through generations of often-women-led farming families. Another
great-grandmother was the first female sheriff of Dallas County, Texas, back in
the 1920s while being a newly-single mother of nine (some grown at the time she
became the sheriff, but not all)...and remained the only female sheriff Dallas had
ever had for nearly eight decades. Now, in sharing this, I have to acknowledge the fact that native people were terribly affected by the Homestead Act that granted my great-grandmother her land, as well as the fact that my other great-grandmother was from a privileged White family in 1920s Texas and therefore as Sheriff may not have always been equitable to all people. I don’t know that as fact, but am just making an educated assumption as, in a post that deals with the theme of equity, I feel it’s important to acknowledge. I do believe both great-grandmothers, in addition to being total bosses, were both good humans and did their best with what they knew in the societies they were in and with the power and opportunities that they had; I never got to meet either of them.
I
had two great-aunts whom I did know who gave up traditional careers to become homeless, itinerant, volunteer ministers
and who spent years in the northern parts of Norway, sometimes traveling with all of
their possessions on kick sleds, trudging through immense snow and to places above
the Arctic circle simply to proclaim God’s love to the people there, to hold
public meetings where they shared the gospel story, and to help communities as
best they could. They were soldiers. They were so strong. They were so
inspiring. They were so loving, giving, caring, funny, and selfless. They were my
“tantes” (Norwegian for “aunts”) and they loved me and my siblings and cousins
more than life itself.
My
mom, in addition to being the world’s greatest mother (seriously, we have the
mug to prove it) to my siblings and I and always being there for us as a parent
and leader in our schools and guide and sage advisor and five-star chef and impeccable
host, was a very successful small business owner and community leader, guiding a staff of 30-plus at times with a three-location chain of shipping stores in
the 1990s and 2000s. Mom was also an industry leader, known across the country as a lead national trainer and developer of many innovated packaging techniques; to this day many people in the shipping business call a certain style of frame packaging she developed a "Cindy Sandwich" and recall stories of her teaching them a silly but effective way to remember the difference between polyurethane and polyethylene foam.
My sister has rocketed through the ranks in the construction
industry, in charge of offices and teams and crews full of men in the
traditionally male-centric field, and has even started a very important women in
construction initiative with her company and peers to drive not only more
visibility and inclusion, but also safer working environments and protective
gear that previously weren’t available to women. Both my mother and my sister are
absolute superstars and I am so, so proud of them, inspired by them, and
grateful for the leadership and influence and guidance they both give me daily.
And
my dad, well he’s completely amazing as well. Not only is he the most non-chauvinistic
person I know, but he also is a quiet, kind, humble, strong, and giving leader
who has always been my mom’s best friend and partner in business, parenting, home
life, shopping, cleaning, cooking, faith, and marriage for nearly 55 years now.
I remember once, in my late teens or early twenties while living in Texas,
talking to someone who was about my age who was asking me cordial, getting-to-know-you
questions and he simply said, “What does your daddy do?” Taken aback and trying
not to laugh because he said “daddy,” I just replied, “My dad works for my mom.”
While technically true, as Mom was the majority shareholder in their joint
endeavor as business partners, I phrased it that way to make a pointed point that I didn’t come from a family where traditional roles were
touted or that a man’s job defined the family. I was never taught that gender
matters in a person’s ability to lead, do, say, or be…because it absolutely
doesn’t; what does, I’ve learned, make a difference in a person’s ability to
lead, do, say, or be is control asserted over them by patriarchy-touting men who are often trying to compensate for their own lack by
taking advantage of what they have been taught is a God-given right to be in
charge. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Yes,
ancient writings seem, on the surface, to tout the patriarchy. Many writers of
those texts were incredibly ingrained in patriarchal ways, gender roles were
serious business, men were ruling societies and in oft-intertwined religious and political roles of power,
directing scriptural translations, and overly comfortable always being in charge…and doing whatever
they could to keep it that way. But God? Goodness, the good lord made everyone
the same in the eyes of eternity, not valuing one person’s chromosome combination better than another’s
in their inherent abilities, worth, or intelligence. To think otherwise is incredibly
ridiculous and incredulous.
What
women have had to go through for centuries and centuries is just plain gross.
To be constantly thought of as a lesser being, a weaker sex, and in a subservient role
to often-abusive men has been too often the reality in societies dating back to
early human civilization. Yes, some societies have been matriarchal and/or valued women’s
leadership as they should, but they have been way too few and far between. The
only way we are going to affect change, as I’ve said in many missives lately,
is to change our own mindsets, language, actions, and the individuals to whom
we give power in our own lives.
I’m
a person of faith and try to keep it in check as much as I can—to be informed
from the source and not from the huge array of contradictory interpretations that so often completely
misrepresent faith in general. One study Bible I have is the NKJV version of The
Chronological Study Bible by Thomas Nelson, Inc. (ISBN 9780718020682 for
anyone interested in getting their own copy). It’s awesome and I highly
recommend it, as the context it gives for societies at the time, timelines,
introductions, and overarching world views is very helpful in trying to
understand many of the things that so many who tout harmful ideologies, as I
tried to dig into in “Good-Neighborliness,” often quote. I’m in the Book of
Proverbs now and the little tidbits it pairs with the text have been what’s
inspired some of my little “Sparrows” and “Proverbial Wisdom” thoughts. This
morning, I came across a bit called “The Person of Lady Wisdom” that caught my
eye and really helped me understand more about the context of Proverbs.
Throughout
Proverbs, “wisdom” is often referred to with a feminine pronoun. In reading it,
I was doing my signature in-head pronoun shifting to change “she” to “they” and
“her” to “their” and so-on, just as I do when much more often I have to change “him”
to “they” and “his” to “their,” but then the bit about Lady Wisdom stopped me. It
explained that the Hebrew Bible sometimes represents God’s wisdom as a person,
the feminine figure of wisdom, who “seeks out persons both wise and foolish to
teach them. The ways of God are not hidden, neither are the ways which lead to
a good human life. Anyone who wishes to succeed is welcomed to learn this way
of life. For wisdom, it is asserted, leads to a good life, while foolishness
leads to death.”
So,
I’ve been thinking about wisdom and all of the incredibly wise, impactful women
in my life. Wisdom, especially as explained by example upon example in the Book of Proverbs, is the most important characteristic that we,
as humans trying to be good humans and live good lives, can have. Wisdom is
discernment. Wisdom is watching our actions and, just as important, watching
our reactions. Wisdom is putting up with garbage thrown at us by other people, then knowing when to fight and knowing what
battles we need to lay aside to save our strength for something that really
matters. Wisdom is choosing kindness when faced with absurdity. Wisdom is
knowing the value of relationships over transactions. Wisdom is caring for
others more than for ourselves. Wisdom is, in general, seeing the big picture
above the little traps that would engulf us if we weren’t set firmly on a goal.
Wisdom is strength. Wisdom is grace. Wisdom is fortitude. Wisdom is, as seen in
these contexts, absolutely feminine.
I’ve been reading
Amy Poehler’s book, Yes Please. It’s awesome. I love Amy so much and have
eaten up much of her work from her Saturday Night Live days to Parks
and Recreation and beyond. In Yes Please, she has a chapter called “Treat
Your Career Like a Bad Boyfriend” in which she talks about the importance of ambivalence—how
essential it is to keep our own sanity by choosing what to care about and what
not to care about. I learned a lot of good lessons from this chapter, as well
as so many others so far in her book that I’m currently halfway through…and
recommend it very highly.
One of my dearest friends recently had a double mastectomy and, just yesterday, had a port placed in her
chest and neck in preparation for chemo and radiation treatments that are around the corner for the metastatic breast cancer she’s currently in the middle of butt-kicking.
She and I are the same age and, because I went through chemo 11 years
ago for lymphoma, myself bearing port scars as a badge of honor, we’ve been
having a lot of good chats lately. She is one of the strongest people I know—a single
mother of two amazing, strong, super smart girls, raised by an amazing, strong,
and super smart single mother with two amazing, strong, super smart sisters.
She has the best support team available and I’m honored that she’s reached out to me
to be part of it. She’s not been public with her diagnosis, which I absolutely respect,
so I won’t share more about her story here. But, I do want to share how much
she inspires me; I want to express how much her strength means to me.
Folks, we have no
idea what most people are going through, and we as men have no clue what most
women endure, have endured, and will endure. And not just cis-women, but all
the more endurance is required for trans-women. They are the strong ones. I’m sorry to break it to you, my dear boys who live in bubbles, but cis-men are not
the stronger sex. There’s an absolute reason
that wisdom, as touted by the ancients and as we still need so much of today,
is a feminine characteristic.
So, with all of
these thoughts recently, I’ve been trying to reconcile my mission
to be gender-neutral and gender-inclusive in my writing and speaking. And I need
to acknowledge that, as so often is the case, in my well-intendedness, I was
wrong. Just like how we know that colorblindness, while often well-intended, dismisses
the fact that people of color have a story, a history, a context, and a set of
obstacles in a system and society and culture that they have to endure, we also have to be aware of the inequity of genderblindness for the same reasons. I think the difference between being
genderblind and gender-inclusive or gender-neutral is a fine line—like the
difference between being a schlemiel and a schlimazel—but yet it’s a very important
difference. So, while I still want to
speak in neutrality in order to be inclusive and not alienate anyone, I also
want to be more aware of the entire situation, context, and systems so that I
can not only appreciate more, but also support more and acknowledge more, what women endure and have
endured. And hopefully change something in my own little capacity, for positive
change always starts with the individual.
I’ll end this
three-part wisdom series with two bits of modern-day wisdom that I’ve recently
gleaned. One was shared by a friend online and it said, “Don’t let the
negativity of others derail you.” The other was shared by The Happy Givers on Instagram
and it said, “If you are using the Bible to argue for oppression, exclusion, or
violence, then you have misunderstood both the story and the storyteller.” I’m so grateful for wise people around me. In looking into this more, I realize how far I have to go to be considered wise myself, but I do want to learn more about it. I still have some ignorance ingrained in me where I’ve taken things out of context or in a way it was never intended to be taken. But, little by little, if we all do our best to let our hearts be our guides, think of every human as equal and loved and valued in God’s sight, and understand both the storyteller’s intentions and the spirit’s guidance, we can make this world a better place. Maybe we can all make choices to let our lives be directed and controlled by the wisest voices possible.
With that, I'm off to listen to two women preach tonight—homeless, itinerant, volunteer ministers in same way
my tantes were—at a public meeting they're holding at a fire hall here in
our community. I guarantee we'll learn about love, inclusion, heart, and the
absolute essentiality of having wisdom in our daily lives to help us be the
best humans we can be and make the world a better place.