I’ve been writing a bit lately about
“the bubble”—that place so many people exist in that’s closed off to so much
that is going on around them. It’s been on my mind a lot and I guess I’m just
still trying to sort out frustrations I’ve had with so many in my circles
lately, and in our society as a whole, who have let the divisiveness of our
current political and social climate creep into their lives in so many other
areas, putting up walls of opinion instead of putting out hands of friendship.
In traveling a lot lately with my new post-retirement consulting career,
I’ve found it fascinating to observe behavior and priorities in different parts
of the country. So many people are stuck in their own zone and have no idea the
richness that is out there in other zones. Because they don’t make an effort to
get out of their bubble and open themselves up to the beauty surrounding them
in the rest of the world, they close themselves off to so much abundance and
joy that they could experience if they thought about others just as much as
they thought about themselves.
I’ve been trying to get my thoughts
together on this, frustrated with difficult people I encounter and try my best
to navigate on a daily basis. Then recently, I stumbled upon Dealing with
Difficult People by Roy Lilley. I’m only into it as far as the introductory
chapters so far, but want to read more when I can. Even those first few
chapters though capture how I feel much more concisely and thoughtfully than I
could. So, I’d like to share some gems from them here, and follow them up with
some thoughts of my own…
Gems from the first few chapters of Dealing
with Difficult People by Roy Lilley:
- The six most important words: I admit I made a mistake; The five most important words: You did a good job; The four most important words: What is your opinion?; The three most important words: Would you mind?; The two most important words: Thank you; The one most important words: We; The least important word: I
- Nice people are not always like you. They will have different
backgrounds, educations, life experiences, and perspectives. They will be
motivated differently, think differently, and reason differently. But they
still can be nice people.
- Difficult people are most often selfish and inwardly-focused. For
them, it’s all about them, so don’t let them get under your skin. The
number one rule in dealing with difficult people is to not take it
personally. This doesn’t mean you let a rude pig trample all over you, but
it does mean you don’t have to get in a bare-knuckle fight.
- How we treat each other is largely a product of how we feel about
each other.
- Difficult people are predictable people. They are stuck in their
ways and all you have to do is maneuver around them, using your brain and
not your emotions.
- Some difficult people can be hostile, aggressive, belligerent, and
offensive—bullies and control freaks, of which there are three basic
types: the Sherman tanks, the snipers, and the exploders.
- The Sherman tanks come out
charging. They are abusive, abrupt, intimidating, and overwhelming. They
attack individual behaviors and personal characteristics. They bombard
you with criticisms and arguments. They usually achieve their short-term
objectives, but at the cost of eroded friendships and lost long-term
relationships. They have a strong need to prove to others that their view
of the world is right. They have a strong sense of how others should act,
and they are not afraid to tell them about it.
- The snipers prefer a more
covered approach. They put up a front of friendliness from behind which
they attack, often with pot-shots and veiled innuendos and not-so-subtle
digs. They often make others look bad in order to try to make themselves
look good. They pair their verbal missiles with covers of friendliness.
- The exploders are characterized
by fits of rage-fueled attacks and tantrums that seem barely under
control. They react first in anger, followed by either blaming or
suspicion.
- Often, difficult people are complainers, moaners, and groaners,
finding fault in everything. They rarely want to find a way to fix the
problems they complain about.
- Difficult people can be know-alls, with an overwhelming need to be
recognized for their intellectual abilities. They can promote feelings of
anger or resentment in others. They often suffer from lack of
self-importance. They can be bullies and appear so certain that they are
right that it seems pointless to argue.
And my thoughts from before and after
reading the first bit of Roy’s book:
- Difficult people are often ignorant people. They haven’t given
themselves the gift of leaving their safe zone and understanding how the
other half lives, thinks, loves, believes, perceives, worships, gives,
creates, and exists.
- Difficult people are often self-righteous people. They often wear
the t-shirts and fly the flags and share the memes and post the missives
to make it clear what they believe, thinking that blasting their beliefs
to others is somehow helping others, when in fact it’s only furthering
division. They are not inclusive in their thinking or outreach.
- Difficult people are often contentious people. They always want to
argue and try to prove their point, even when they know they’re wrong.
- Difficult people are often defensive people, especially when, deep
down, they know they’ve made a mistake or said something they should
regret. Instead of apologizing and being humble, they double down and
over-share things that their confirmation bias tells them enforces their
position.
- Difficult people are often deflective people. They blame others for
everything, living in a victim mindset. They put others down in order to
make themselves feel better.
- Difficult people are often closed-minded. They don’t want to hear
what others think about a subject, already deciding in their minds that,
in order for them to be right, everyone else must be wrong.
- Difficult people often don’t accept gray areas. As I tried to dig
into in my essay “Good-Neighborliness,”
gray areas are essential to living a happy and peaceable life, but
difficult people feel the need to define everything as black and white or
right and wrong.
As I write this, I’m on a flight. And,
as I often do, I’m observing people and their behaviors. Most people, per
usual, are not difficult. In a big metal tube, humans have an incredible
ability to forgo their usual personal space issues and exude kindness and
empathy to their fellow passengers. But, not all…
The man next to me, currently covered
from head to knee in a fleece blanket while his arm continuously rubs up
against my own, despite me trying to sit as tightly centered as I can in my own
seat, held up the entire plane because he didn’t prepare his carry-ons before
boarding. He waited until he got to the seat before he had to get organized,
open his suitcase, take out aforementioned fleece blanket, and then proceeded
to store his suitcase in an overhead bin behind our seat instead of the one
with room above it, guaranteeing more disruption when we de-plane and he must
go backwards in the aisle while everyone else is trying to go forward.
Difficult people come in all forms.
Most are just simply selfish and/or quite self-unaware. They usually have no
clear perception of how ignorant, self-righteous, contentious, defensive,
deflective, and closed-minded they can be.
And, you know what? That’s life.
That’s humanity. Difficult people will always exist. We can’t let them bring us
down. We can’t pander to them, encourage their bad behaviors, or feed their
nonsense. We absolutely must rise above, be as kind as we can but also not let
ourselves go down the spiral of negativity that they’ve fallen into.
One of my favorite quotes is from
Carlos Dominguez: "The only thing we can do about awful people is not be
one of them." I'll substitute two words in there to have it say, "The
best thing we can do about difficult people is not be one of
them."
…
Marty
Johnson is the Communication and Vision Coach at AYM High Consultants, a columnist, and an editor, producing the mail and
business center industry's leading magazine, MBC Today. In 2023, he sold
his popular and growing brand, Uncle Marty’s Shipping Office, and retired from
shopkeeper life to focus on writing and coaching. Subscribe to his Ask Uncle Marty™ newsletter and read more at askunclemarty.com; follow him on socials @askunclemarty. #AskUncleMarty
…
Article
written June 8, 2024, for co-publication on the askunclemarty.com and
aymhigh.com blogs.
